Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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