My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
