If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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