Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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