So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Randomize