Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize