You made me cry and you don't even care
I just pynch a tree in the face
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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