Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
