If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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