you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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