in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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