chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
