Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
