We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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