They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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