she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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