I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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