I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
