So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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