Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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