Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We need to rekindle our bromance
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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