I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
