Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you traded sex for a burrito?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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