she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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