Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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