end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
