Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
