i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
