then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
