Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
