Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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