how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Hippo gnu deer
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
