do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
