Fine. I'll sleep in my office
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
