i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
