he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
