Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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