I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
cat food counts as protein by the way
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
