oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
