I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize