What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
