a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
