I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
