i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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