Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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