4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
