u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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