I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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