The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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