someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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