So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize