I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
