i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
