Even water is tasting like jack daniels
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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