I wanna bring you to show and tell
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
