we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize