the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
