FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
